Dancing Dreams!

I have always been an advocate for dreams and listening to you heart! The last year has been a rollarcoaster of high hopes and disappointments with dance. People say things like failure is when you quick trying. Or each failure is one stepping stone closer to a success. Fall of 2006, I had this crazy idea that I wanted to be a dance major. I practiced hard in my class and figured I would just give the audition my best shot and see what happened. Without knowing what I was getting into, I got my hopes up and decided that majoring in Dance really was what I wanted to do. I auditioned and was heart broken when I didn't make it in. I remember the day in dance after the auditions, not even being able to dance, I had no desire. I wanted to leave my dance class early, I just felt like sitting down and crying instead of dancing, but I struggled though the class of dancing side-by-side my classmates many of whom made it into the major. Afterword, my teacher called me over to talk to me. She asked if my name was on the list of those who made it into the major. I tried to play it down and act like I didn't really care. But when I told her no, my kind teacher took me in her arms and hugged me so tight and just said I'm sorry, it's just not fair. I couldn't hold back the tears, I just sobbed in my teachers arms. (This is one of those things that would be really weird with a math or science teacher, but the dancing world is a little different;) ). She told me that I could audition next year, you are allowed to audition twice if it was worth it to me. I explained to her that I was going to be a Senior next year and that I kind of needed a little more direction. We talked about what a gamble it would be to press forward with it until the next auditions, a year later. As we discussed what would need to happen, I remember realizing right then how important this really was to me and I knew it was something I had to go for to be the type of person who I want to become. I can't tell people they should follow their dreams, and then just give up on my own.

So I decided I would just go for it, whole heartedly, not ever looking right, left. or back. I knew if I did everything I could on my part, the Lord would take care of me. So I went forward.

This past year has consisted of literally countless hours of sweat, classes, practice. And a little bit of lying, every time someone asked me what my major was, I told them dance. (This happened at least twice a day as a tour guide- everyone I took on tour asked what my major was) And every guy I went out with- little lies their too, and then many would say, oh isn't that hard to get into and pretty competitive, and I would have to explain that actually I am not really in the program yet, but all my classes are dance classes, and then just hope they don't think I'm totally crazy or drifting aimlessly at BYU.) And then many would ask well, what if you don't get in? This is a thought I decided from the begining wasn't going to help me, so I chose to never entertain it. I always just changed the subject. I am hired on as a freshman Peer Mentor for BYU. Part of my job is to help people freshman pick their majors and have direction in their lives. Hmm, kind of ironic. This past year, I have also tried out for many different dance teams, each one followed by the same dissappointment. Never seeing my name on the lists. Many call-backs, but never the final cut. They usually save the positions on the modern dance teams for those who are dance majors. Which I was not. It got to a point where rejection was second nature to me. It formed a sence of resiliance in me, and it honestly didn't even effect me (another blessin from the spirit!). Sometimes, it made me want to try even harder, just to prove myself. This year was also full of networking with teachers and students and learning what else I need to do to get accepted into the major. Many emails were sent, and meetings with teachers. There were countless instances of divine intervention: Times when I would be in the right place at the right time to meet the right people. And in the weak, discouraging moments, the Lord would remind me why I love dance so much. Either by a song, or running into an old dancing friend, or watching a dance concert, or watching one of those warm fuzzy, follow your dreams movies. All this leading up to last Friday, the audition day! I remember one day in my conditioning class, my teacher was talking about Olympics Gold Medal winners. He taught us the power of vision. He promised us that there is not once person who has won a gold medal that did not picture themselves up their on the stand with the medal first. So I envisioned my name on the list of names who made the major. I envisioned this so many times. All week I felt just excited and no nervousness. I tried my best to completely shove out any negative thoughts, or pressures, when my mind was tempted to realize that these few hours on Friday, would, in a sense change the coarse of my life, or on the thirty seconds that one of the judges was watching me. These thoughts and realizations would get me all worked up and anxious. I tried my best to ignore them. Thursday night was kind of a climax night. That day is when the pressure finally hit. A friend wanted to go to Tucanos (kind of like Rodizios) for dinner then on a hike, which normally sounds like so much fun, but in my mind, it made me sick, loading up on the meat, then hiking right after- puke! Then I knew we wouldn't make it back until late and I would proably be tired and all sore the next day. Honestly, I was kind of stressed because of the pressure that Friday brought with it. We decided to make a change of plans, which took off a lot of stress! We just went and got some frozen yogurt instead. Then when I got home that night, I kind of got in this zone of focus and a sense of peace as I tried to envision my name on the list of those accepted to the major. All night, I literally dreamed I was dancing, it was kind of funnny. I would wake up sweating in the night, even though my room is freezing at night! Then the next morning, I woke up, showered, and just pretended I was going to any normal day of dance. I woke up before my alarm clock went off- I had that excitement like Christmas morning. Even though you are exhausted, you just can't wait to get up! I was one of the first ones at the audition, so I had plenty of time to warm up. The audition process was familiar and comfortable to me. All the auditions this past year were always in the same studio, where I have also had many classes, so it all felt like home ground. The auditions went good. They were intense, but the Lord blessed me to feel comfortable and confident and when I performed, I just danced because I loved it, and tried to ignore the row of judges critiquing my every more. They announced that they would post three lists in a few hours, the first one, "Welcome to the Major"-those who are in, the second "Call-backs"- who would come back and show their solos, and "Thanks for Auditioning"- who they feel are not yet ready for the major. After I was done, I felt tired, relived and kind of antsy. I could only think of the things I messed up on and I was feeling a little discouraged about the audition. For the first time I was thinking, okay what should I major in now. And should I try and drop all my classes this semester, or just finish them for the sake of finishing. I thought how it wouldn't be that bad to inform people that I didn't make it because of the resiliance I had built up. I was wondering what I was doing in my 4th year of college with no major. I was at the end of my hope and was ready to be done with this process, I needed to move forward with something. But I knew that I had given my best and I was most grateful for my knowledge that my happiness did not dwell on this audition. I found great peace knowing that I would be just fine either way. I knew that if I didn't make it, the Lord had something better for me to do. I was just so grateful for an eternal perspective and that there are things more important to me then dance. I knew that if the Lord always came first, I could always find peace. Throughout this whole process, I promised that dance would never come first. As much as I love it, it is not everything. I loved waiting in the hall with all the other dancers, for the judges to put up the lists. I loved that everyone was dressed modestly, I loved that everyone was so kind and happy, there was no girl hate competition. People were sharing snacks and giving words of encouragement. BYU is a rare and amazing place. Then the judges put up the list in the hall. All the girls anxiously crowded around to see. I stood back and waited, I wasn't sure if I wanted to see the list. But then as girls slowly cleared away, I looked at the lists, my eyes went back and forth from the lists, just hoping I wasn't completely rejected the first round, then I thought I saw my name in the Congratulations list. But honestly, I didn't believe it. I just stared at it. I really didn't believe my eyes, I was so shocked! My name, Emily Nicole Baird, number 105 was first on the list! I turned around and walked away and went into the locker room and just sobbed. I said a prayer of gratitude and praise. Then I called my parents. I couldn't even talk on the phone I was crying so hard. I can't remember if I have ever cried so hard in my life. The feelings of gratitude, relief, overwhelmed me. I cried for over an hour. I had to go back and see the list a couple of times, because I honestly did not believe it. I had been pretending for so long that I was in the major, it felt weird that it was actually reality. Well this story has gone on way too long. I love dance so much, but that really isn't what was so important, it is the principal of the thing! I had a goal and did everything I could for it. If I had made it the first time around, it would have been fun, but it wouldn't have been an acomplishment. The more we put into things, the more we get out of them! I definatly found joy in the journey and love every minute of this past year. The funny thing is that nothing changes when I go to class tomorrow, but the peace of mind and sense of direction is so relieving! I am now in my forth year of college and I have a major! Friday night, I met someone who asked me what my major was, out of habit, I told them I was a dance major, but I smiled so much bigger this time when I said it. Breckann said she has heard me say that so many times, but this there was an extra twinkle in my eyes.

I am so gratful for the lessons I have learned this past year. And I look forward to the hard work I have ahead of me. I am so grateful for all of you who have believed in me and encouraged me and went along with me convincing myself and everyone that I am a dance major. Thank you!!!! And always follow your dreams!!!!